“I can see the ivy, growing through the wall; ‘Cause you will stop at nothing to heal my broken soul.”Kari Jobe, “The Garden”
Healing is a difficult process. I would love to tell you that once I had explanted my breast implants that I was miraculously healed (it definitely would have felt better at the time) but the fact that I wasn’t created an even larger miracle that I can share & warrants even greater glory to God!
Physical symptoms began to disappear immediately as I previously shared through photos, but, deeper issues remained. A pit; mentally I was in a deep cavernous pit.
Anxiety had consumed me.
For 6 months I had suffered several panic attacks. It is difficult to describe what it feels like in the moment but feeling as if you lost all control & are about to die inexpressibly sums it up. The most intense ones occurred while I was driving, alone, & once in a movie theater with our son. Succumbing to the death grip of anxiety I suffered all day, every day. In the thick of this storm I was:
- Scared/unable to drive.
- Scared to leave my home.
- Scared to shower.
- Scared to go outside.
- Scared to be alone.
- Unable to be in a grocery store, or public place, very long.
- Unable to take my children anywhere by myself or attend events.
- Unable to fall asleep at night without having extreme panic first.
- Constantly fearful I would faint or die at any moment.
- Pathetically dependent on my husband; he was the only person I felt safe with.
It is difficult to share the truth above. It is embarrassing & hard to look back & see how enslaved I was to anxiety. After my explant surgery I was at least able to think & process the anxiety, the fears, & begin to rationalize them. Now I am no health expert, but after seeking counsel from my family doctor for blood work, & my holistic doctor for hair follicle testing, I was made aware that I had high levels of heavy metals in my system. Toxicity was wreaking havoc on my body from the effects of aluminum, mercury, & arsenic along with deficiencies & hormone imbalances. This was playing a MAJOR part in my anxiety issues as these heavy metals wreak havoc on your brain & nervous system.
I WASN’T CRAZY!
I knew right there it was time to begin letting God heal me. The word he had given me that January, for the year of 2018, was “Cultivate“. Prayerfully I began to explore what this would look like, my desires, a plan of action; you can read it here, Overall my cultivated life would be one deeply rooted in Jesus Christ, saturated by God’s truth & promises. It would be a moment by moment choice to believe His truth over my fear, anxiety, or feelings.
I continued to read my bible, to write in my prayer journal, & to pray. I had to choose to step out in faith. I had to let God do what only He can do; transformation. It was a process that I am still walking through today. Slowly I walked in faith as I went back to church, went into grocery stores, & stayed home alone or alone with our children. I started to conquer my fear of driving little by little. Sitting in my car in the driveway to begin, driving 5 minutes, driving to a place alone; I built off of each success. There is still thoughts at times of “I have to drive today…” where I start to dread it, there is still times my heart wants to race & I “feel” anxiety but I am capable now of talking myself, & breathing, through it.
Often I listen to worship music in the car. A specific album was a great gift from God during this time: Kari Jobe’s, The Garden. She is truly anointed & I may never know what prompted her from her own personal walk to write the lyrics of these songs but they spoke so deeply to me & clearly represented the healing, cultivation, & growth that God was directing in my life. Thank you Kari for being obedient to your high calling.
There is no claim here that I am miraculously healed from anxiety or exempt from pain. You do need to understand the true miracle here. Truly, I am thankful God didn’t answer my multitude of desperate prayers to heal me, to give me my life back. I don’t want that life back, that’s a post for another time, but God used this season of healing to change me, to grow my faith. C.S. Lewis said “We can ignore even pleasure. But pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” I was living blind & deaf. Choice brought me sickness, sickness brought me anxiety, anxiety isolated me, isolation brought me days spent alone with God. Days spent devouring His word, fervently praying, absorbing wisdom, lavishly pouring out my heart in praise & worship. Faith muscles flexing, trust increasing, God changed me. God reached out His mighty righteous right hand & pulled me out of that pit. Now I walk with Jesus, confidently, in faith, step by step, moment by moment, thought by thought; He overcomes.
In closing, I’ll leave you with the lyrics to “The Garden” by Kari Jobe.